My name is Jenna Cahusac de Caux. I am currently studying English at Bristol University whilst writing poetry and short fiction in my spare time. My poem titled ‘Pantoum for My Brother’ centralises the themes of ageing and disillusionment. The poem is an exploration in beginning to understand the influence the sea (a place I spent most of my early years beside in New Zealand) has had on my familial relationships – specifically with the sibling who is closest in age to myself. It is also in part an ode to my brother who, despite our gradual separation, still remains a steadfast figure in my life.

 

I’ve come to know you as water.

Our father’s loving childishness dragging us downward

Beneath the blue or inside floating weightlessly.

Bright sun reflecting on our tiny feet made of water,

Oh scuba gear unused and surfboards tiny in all that water.

Sweet water guiding us homeward to our small room

That held a small bed containing you

And I inseparable somehow even in dreaming.

 

Our father’s childishness lovingly dragging us upward

Toward an idea of adulthood,

Somehow still inseparable even in dreaming.

Now your hotel room glows dark

In the submerged light of dawn,

Whilst I cough my goodbyes into the cold and silently

Understand my person to be

Somewhat indistinguishable from you.

 

Yet toward an idea of personhood

I move distractedly with my heart fixed

On the blue in which we floated inside of aimlessly,

Now crystallised lifelessly in the picture show

Of memories we watch together less and less.

On a train you unknowingly recall that blue

In the families of trees rushing by us

And with a weighted heart I smile at the view.

 

But I still move distractedly and you walk heavy-footed

Beside my wavering reflections lost in the ocean

Of night and tall city windows.

I know in looking,

In seeing you walk I know

You still to be me.

Alongside the other descriptors,

I’ve come to know you as water.